OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
