I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
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