U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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