I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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