He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I will be naked everywhere
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
