How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance