She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
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i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?