Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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