mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
