I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
