It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
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