My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
