when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Randomize
