Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Randomize
