dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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