He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Randomize
