Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
