smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
