so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
