I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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