Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
