I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
