I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
