Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
