Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Randomize
