Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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