All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
