I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
