I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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