When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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