this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
