Screwed.edu
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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