I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
