look no pants
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Dicks are not precious.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
