i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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