I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
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