He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
This baby is an asshole
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
