Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
