It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
