wanna go halves on a baby?
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
