She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
