Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
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