i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
