All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
