why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Life without a bra equals bliss.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
