Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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