Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
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Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
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The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
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