Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
so that wasnt chicken after all
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
