First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
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Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
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When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
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