what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
