Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
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You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
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In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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