i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
We had to coat check the pizza.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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