He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
