how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
