the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I wish there were birth control emojis
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
