3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
