Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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