Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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