i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
