Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
