I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
